Querencia

Dear ‘Just Friend”,

I vividly remember all the Saturday evenings we spent at the beach after your break up. Those evenings when your whisper faded into the breath of the wind, when we sang all the cliche Bollywood songs with ice-cream stained faces. But most of all, I remember the salty scent of us, and your smile, warmer than the sun itself, shadowing me from every ache. But we were friends. Just Friends.

 

So I couldn’t trace my fingertips along your streched smile, I couldn’t hum to the beating of your heart and I couldn’t hold your hand in mine, love pressed between our palms. “Just Friends”.

 

That is all we were, all that I would ever be to you. But somewhere between staring at the sunset’s warm glow and finding the same glow on your dimpled cheeks, I did something I promised myself I never would. I fell in love with you. Or rather, I realized I always was. But why lose this friendship to love? Why risk 8 years of Just Friends for another good bye?

 

So I continued being the girl you spoke to about other girls, the girl who picked out shirts for your dates for other girls to compliment at, that taught you how to hold girls that would never be me. I continued being her, but I cannot anymore. And God knows, I tried.

 

But it breaks me to imagine you singing your off-tune songs to others, it breaks me to imagine you sitting on the cold concrete, facing the sea and telling some other girl why you love Kishore Kumar and hate your mother. And what breaks me the most is seeing you look at them the way I look at you.

 

Look, I have you memorized like my favourite song, and listening to someone else sing it before my eyes is something I can’t bear. So this time, I’ll leave. I’ll leave before you tell me how much you love her, before I tell you how much more I love you. But I will never forget what we had. And every time I sing “Abhi na jao chodkar”, I’ll imagine you singing the male chorus in my head.

                                                          Love,

Just a Friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The words that flow on these pages
Are tears my eyes can no longer carry
There is an empty space where you once lived
A scar on my spotless mind
And my words, desperately try to bring you back to life
But you are gone
And your scent is no longer found in the house where you smiled and bloomed
Your touch is no longer felt on this skin, which you held so tenderly everytime my small world fell apart
Your voice is no longer heard, except on the ruthless nights where I dream you singing me to sleep

And then some day, I’ll wake up to the beating of your heart
And the sun will colour face in all the bright colours
And you will be warm again, unlike the last time I touched you.
And this time, life will give you another chance
It will braid your brown hair with love
It will kiss you with children of your own
And it will draw wrinkles on your face.
And with time, with love, put you to sleep

 

But then this dream ends, and I wake up to the nightmare.
Where you are gone. Gone, before you should have. Gone, before you could watch me grow. Gone, like the hope left in me.